The Blessings of Being in Deep Sh*t

Hi friends,

Greetings from the half-way mark of the Omer. Wow, what a journey it's been so far. Lots of growth and exciting possibilities abound.

More on those at the appropriate times.

One highlight to share: Over Pesach, I spent a week in Tzfat, with Reuven and Yehudit Goldfarb, a lovely couple, and longtime members of the Jewish Renewal community.

Their house is gorgeous, with an amazing library with almost every Jewish book I've ever wanted to read, and many more, and the top floor of the house is a dance studio with hardwood floors and a beautiful view overlooking the forest just outside Tzfat. I spent a lot of time chanting, singing, davening, and writing during the week. It was so lovely to have a week to really ground myself in a sacred space. Jerusalem is so noisy, but their house in Tzfat was exactly what I needed to relax and ground myself. (2 asides – I read Reb Zalman's Integral Halacha there, and ate ktniyot on Pesach for the first time. Why, exactly, did it take me so long to do that?)

After being there five days, mostly in the house, on Shabbat afternoon I needed to get out.

Not knowing Tzfat at all, I decided to head for the forest which had provided such amazing views all week long. I knew I needed to head downhill, and came across a path next to the cemetery where all the Kabbalists (and others) are buried. Dressed only in shorts, I decided to avoid the cemetery and kept heading downhill. When I got to the bottom I could see the forest, but didn't know if there were any trails to hike on. I saw a few people coming from the direction of the forest and asked one of them if there was such a trail. He said, in the lovely Israeli manner, the equivalent of "yeah, yeah, go straight, you'll find it" aka yashar yashar. Well, I am talented at many things but directions are not my strongsuit. And given that everyone in Israel tells you to go yashar yashar, does it actually mean anything or is it the lovely way of saying go that way, and let someone else deal with you? Eh, I'll figure it out, I says to myself and I head towards the trees.

I go a ways and I see a little trail going off to the left. Okay, it's a trail, the trees are that way, how bad can it be, I think.

I take the trail and it leads me into grazing lands for cows. I cross near a manure pit, which, not surprisingly was not pleasing to my nasal passages.

And then I'm standing in a big, grassy area with me, cows, and lots of poop. Lots of poop.

At this point, I go into my Ilan-philosopher mode. Okay, I say to myself, I am quite literally in "deep sh*t" – there's poop all around me and it smells and in case you were wondering, this ain't exactly the best place to go hiking, kiddo. And then I think about my life. Hmm, in some respects I'm in deep sh*t in real life too. Here I am, close to running out of money, with no clue how I'm going to finish my semicha program, and not sure I'll even make it to the end of my time in Israel in June, let alone coming back in the fall or what happens during the summer. Hmm, yes, I say I'm up a creek. Deep sh*t.

And then, something beautiful happens. I'm standing there, watching these cows graze, and a mother cow goes over to her baby cow and starts licking her face. And I have to say, I melted.

It was one of the most beautiful acts of parent-child love I've seen in a long time. I stood there, mesmerized as the mother cow cleaned the face of its young. Just gorgeous.

And I thought to myself – wow, even in the face of deep sh*t there is also tremendous beauty. Love all around. I was inspired and decided to thank G!d for sending me into this place to see this beautiful love. I davened Mincha there in that field and it was a lovely davening. I thanked G!d for bringing me there, and I thanked the cows for being so lovely. And then I left the field, and came back to the road I had turned off of to get there. I decided to continue on the road – when I reached the end of it, I came to an amazing nature reserve, with a path leading down into a gorgeous gorge. Despite the fact that the sign told me the park was closing soon, I went in anyway (what're they gonna do, arrest me for hiking on Shabbes?) and had an amazing solo hike for an hour or so. Spectacular views and a nice conversation with G!d about the next phase of my life, asking G!d if the big transition I think is heading my way was right for me. Answer received was absolutely – sorry to be a tease but you'll have to wait to find out what it is! But the hike was amazing and it was so wonderful to be using my body – I could hike every day. Gorgeous views, which I had all to myself (the nature reserve was outside the eruv so no one else would go in on Shabbes. Lucky me!).

When I came back to the start of the trail, I was rejuvenated and incredibly inspired as I often am with amazing hikes out in nature. Good time talking to G!d, some good singing and an amazing afternoon.

I walked back towards Tzfat, passing my friendly cows again. And I thought to myself that the amazing place I had just been to on the hike was SO CLOSE to the place where I was in deep sh*t with the cows. You could get from one to the other in two minutes!

And isn't that how it is in real life? Whenever we're at our lowest, whenever we think we're in deep sh*t with nowhere to go, we're never actually that far from finding the answers to get us into a better place. And if we put our trust in G!d and call out when we need a little help, when we can find great beauty even in the dark places, then we're not in a place of deep shi*t anymore. We have the power to transform the negative into positive, even into holiness. We don't have to be in a place of deep sh*t. If we find the G!d in that space, then it's just deep. As in whoa, that's deep.

As we continue on our path from slavery to liberation, from bondage to receiving the Torah, may we find holiness even in our dark spaces. May we let light into all those places inside us that need it.

And may we always remember that there is great beauty all around, if we but open our eyes. May we blessed to see holiness wherever we go.

Many blessings,

Ilan

 

The Ilan Glazer 2010/5770 Omer Liberation Project

Hi friends. I know it's been a long time since many of you have heard from me. My apologies for keeping you in a state of suspense as to my whereabouts and activities for many months. I am happy to be reacquainted with your email address, and I hope the absence of life updates from yours truly hasn't been too painful for you. My deepest apologies.

All kidding aside, I am very grateful to all of you for befriending me over the years. It has been a very interesting (to say the least) 30 years on the planet, and I've had probably more than my fair share of excitement (wouldn't have it any other way, I suppose). I could not have gotten to where I am without the love and support and friendship of all of you. Thank you so much.

So where am I? I am now living in Jerusalem, taking advantage of the Jewish Agency's MASA grants for a year of free tuition at the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies. Pardes is a great place, and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time there. I've made lots of new friends, my mind is blown on a regular basis, and every class I take counts towards my Rabbinic program with ALEPH: The Alliance for Jewish Renewal. I've been in Israel since the end of August, and, like my maternal ancestors, have managed to stay insanely busy. I couldn't be a normal person and just take classes at Pardes, could I? Nope. Also taking one class at the Conservative Yeshiva, 2 classes with Nava Tehila, Jerusalem's amazing Jewish Renewal community, and now I have a phone class with ALEPH as well. In short, I am often in school from 8:30 in the morning (7:15 if I go to davening, which I do at least twice a week) until anywhere from 6:45 to 10:30 at night, five days a week. Which makes me certifiably insane, but we probably knew that already. My thought was that if I'm only in Israel for the year, I'm going to take as many classes as possible to learn as much as I can and speed up my ordination. And so I did. I've cut back a little bit this semester, but am still insanely busy. But I'm not complaining – I love the learning, and living in Jerusalem is lovely (though if someone could tell the drivers that using the horn is not actually a requirement of driving, that'd be lovely).

A few highlights of my time in Israel, and then an explanation of the big project now underway, and a request for help (if you don't have much time you can skip the highlights for now and read about the project on the bottom).

Highlights:

-wonderful new friends I will treasure for years to come. One of the highlights of Pardes is learning with chevrutas (study partners) in each class. Good to learn other perspectives on the texts we study.

-amazing learning – I've taken classes on Maimonides, Talmud, Torah, Torah Commentators, Scribal Arts (Sofrut), Halacha, Modern Jewish Thought, Hasidut, Zohar and Kabbalah (even though I'm under 40), Spirituality, Relationships, Megillot, and more. I have learned so much and almost more importantly have acquired tremendous tools for lifelong learning. You are hereby encouraged to come to Pardes for a semester, summer, or year program. www.pardes.org.il A great place to learn. If you come in the fall, you very well may see me there (more on that later).

-the gorgeous, heart-opening music and prayer that is Nava Tehila, Jerusalem's Jewish Renewal community. The services can't be described in words, but suffice it to say that I am often taken to spiritual heights I didn't know existed during davening. I am the main Nava Tehila drummer for the year, which is an amazing treat, and I co-lead a monthly night of sacred music with my friend Nave. I've been working with Reb Ruth Gan Kagan to take my prayer leadership facilitation to a higher level, and I couldn't have asked for a better teacher. Reb Ruth is a master, and I am grateful to call her my Rav. I am amazed at how much I've grown spiritually and personally since I've been here, and much of it is thanks to the direction of Reb Ruth, who knows just when to give me something else to do, and helps me take myself even higher. Should you be visiting Israel anytime soon, you'd do yourselves a favor by coming to a Nava Tehila davening (which only happens one Friday night a month, so check the website for scheduling). If you can't do that, you can check out Nava Tehila on Youtube, or you can buy the amazing CD they released last year. Gorgeous, gorgeous music. www.navatehila.org for more.

-I do actually manage to get out every now and then. Pardes thankfully includes a few days of hiking, and I've been with them to the Negev, and recently to the Golan. Israel is a beautiful country. I've also done a few very cool peace events, including celebrating an iftar during Ramadan at the home of a Sheikh, an interfaith Hanukkah/Christmas celebration with Nava Tehila and our friends at the monastery in Emmaus, a trip with Breaking the Silence to Hebron, and 2 Peace Workshops with the Israel Palestine Center for Research and Information (IPCRI). It has been really nice to interact with peacemakers from all different traditions. The recent Peace workshop with IPCRI had a special concert Saturday night, and if you'd like to see a fun musical collaboration with Aliza Hava and friends, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBNkasdRA2A&videos=arOP7wR4n4k Check out the drummer. Not bad if I do say so myself….

-lots of soul growth. Reb Ruth said to me at one point "Well Ilan, you came to Israel for a year of intense learning. It's intense." Indeed. Being back in Israel and learning more than full-time is wonderful, and life-transforming. I dare say it's impossible to live in Israel and not have your beliefs challenged every day, especially when you're spending so much time studying each day. I am very grateful for the chance to be here. I will add that in January I was back in the US for the last week of my Kol Zimra: Sacred Hebrew Chant Training with Rabbi Shefa Gold, and the life-transforming journey that Kol Zimra has been is a great gift. If you are looking for a powerful way to connect to Jewish tradition and healing using chant and Jewish liturgy, you should check out the training program. A new cycle starts this summer. More info here: http://rabbishefagold.com/KolZimra.html I am eternally grateful to Reb Shefa for her teachings and for unlocking parts of my soul which hadn't yet been discovered, and giving me the tools to continue learning and healing. New chants come to me on a semi-regular basis – I can't even say that I write them – I am blessed to be a vessel for God's light coming through.

This soul growth has been amazing. And really hard. It's not easy to find out that some parts of our lives aren't working. Sometimes we find we are the biggest obstacle to our own growth. And yet, I firmly believe that growth is a never ending process and that the only way forward is to go through all of those places. As they say, denial ain't just a river in Egypt and if I want to stand in my own power I have to go through and clear out all the negative beliefs that stand in my way. This is not easy. My teacher Reb Zalman, quoting Susan Saxe, COO of ALEPH, says that transforming ourselves is like changing a car's tires while driving. I agree. Hard, hard work, which cannot be done alone.

And so I am delighted to announce the 2010/5770 Ilan Glazer Omer Liberation Project.

The Omer is a 50-day journey from Passover, when we celebrate leaving Egypt, to Shavuot, when our ancestors received the Torah on Mount Sinai. In recent years, many have seen the Omer as a process from slavery to liberation, with each day of the Omer representing a different combination of sefirot, or mystical guideposts. I will freely admit that despite my two classes of Zohar and Kabbalah and being an ALEPH student, I'm still not sold on sefirot. Nevertheless, my dear friend and Kol Zimra classmate Mia Cohen invited me to join her in using the sefirot of each day to transform ourselves.

So, this Omer project is a chance for us to examine where in life we are stuck? Where is light prevented from coming in? Where have I shut God out? What do I need to do to live in the light of God every day? What tools do I have at my disposal to do so and what do I need to help? Where would I like to be and how do I get there? How can I stand in my power in every moment, taking full responsibility, without blaming others or giving my power away? How do I leap into a world of fully trusting myself? Trusting God? What does freedom look like? And how do I get there? What minor or radical changes are needed to get the best out of life? How can I best use my gifts? What prevents me from being fully free? Where does my soul need to be ripped apart and put back together? Be honest. Radically honest.

This will be a highly-transformative process with the goal of getting past all my fears and hang-ups and getting me to a place where my soul can really flourish. Already, Days 1-3 have been difficult, challenging, and very gratifying. I hope to blog about this every few days, and I invite you to follow along at www.soulshvitz.blogspot.com

And this is where I could really use your help:

I have identified four areas of my life that could use improvement.

1. Rabbi School work. I am majorly behind on a number of papers. Given how much trouble this got me in in college, this needs to change, and pronto.
   
2. Health challenges. In many ways, I have the best health I've had in years. But there are still too many little challenges that add up to not being 100%. I'll spare you the details, but I need to be working with good healers to get to a place where physical limitations aren't in the way.
   
3. Financial challenges. I am hovering over being completely broke, and have at least $25,000 in medical debt, another $25K in student loans, and a few thousand in outstanding bills from mom's estate that need to be paid. And I owe ALEPH about $10,000 for Rabbi school courses. Hmm, I'm no genius but this is not good. How did I get here? A combination of irresponsible insurance companies, jobs that fell through, caregiving for two years full-time, and studying in a Rabbinic program that isn't eligible for student loans.
   
4. Emotional issues – I know myself to know that much of the first three problems come as a result of some poor thinking on my behalf. I dare say there have been times when my own thinking gets in the way. Sometimes, I'm the problem. There have been times when I feel as if I don't deserve to have money, to be successful, to pursue my dreams, to get work done. If I can fix the way I think in certain areas, the rest should be easy.
   

And so, I am hereby committing to challenge myself to grow, to examine my weaknesses, to find as many unsupportive parts of my behavior as I can and work through them to get to the place where I'm free to be me.

And here I need help. My friend Les Brown (lesbrown.com), one of the world's best public speakers, says we should ask for help, not because we're weak, but in order to stay strong.

One of the reasons I haven't written this year is because I've needed to ask for help, but have been approaching asking for help as a weakness. No more. It turns out that not asking for help is itself a sign of weakness. Thinking I can do it all without anyone's help is a weakness. Real men stand on their own, right? Hogwash.

So I'm setting off on a big adventure, and I need help. How can you help?

1. Constant encouragement is very helpful. I read every email that comes my way, even if I don't always have time to respond. And it is always helpful to hear from friendly faces. Don't be shy. I know that many of you have also had moments of transformation. I would love to hear of your insights, or favorite quotes that helped you along the way.
   
2. I know that many are not, but some of you may be in a position to assist me financially. I'm looking both for any amounts you may have, but also for a few people who might be able to give me a loan in order to finish my Rabbinic studies. There isn't a bank or a Free Loan society that will lend me money, but perhaps there are a few kind souls who might be able to help. For anyone able to give, of any amount, I do have a paypal account linked to my email address – tevamaggid@gmail.com – or you can make deposits into a Bank of America branch (I can provide routing numbers) or to a local bank in Boulder, Colorado. Checks are doable as well. I wouldn't ask for help if I didn't need it, and at this point, it's clear that I am not able to continue my studies in the way I'd like unless someone can help. If you think you can, please be in touch asap. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
   
3. Any connections to healers in Jerusalem are welcome.
   
4. I'll work on the Rabbi School papers. That I gotta do myself! (Worked my tuchus off the last few days – I'm almost done with one, and hope to finish a second before school resumes on Wed).
   
5. Most importantly, I'd like to ask each of you to visualize me with perfect health, free of financial worry, in a place of total freedom. I know that I've got great things ahead of me – as a Rabbi, author, speaker, personal growth trainer, perhaps even politician, and who knows what else may come my way. I don't want this writing to sound as if I am in dire straits. I am incredibly blessed to be where I am. But this journey is about not settling for a life that's decently-good. Life ought to be great. I know that I'll get there, with your help, hard work, and the grace of G!d.
   

And the best help you can give me is in helping to create a world we all want to live in. May we all be blessed to stand together with our ancestors and find our freedom at Mount Sinai at the end of our journey.

Thank you all for loving me and supporting me along this journey. If I can do anything to support you on yours, please don't hesitate to ask.

Many, many blessings.

Ilan